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Always be positive. *Trips down the stairs* Me: "Wow, I got down those stairs fast!"
Me: "Dirty slut!" Girl: "WHAT?!" Me: "I said nice hair cut."
Gangster 1: "Eastside!" Gangster 2: "Westside!" Hobo: "Outside!"
Well, not to impress you or anything but at Walmart I enter through the exit door.
I just lost my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about this.
Rule 1 during arguments: If you're losing, start correcting their grammar.
Dear face cream that guarantees to make you look 10 years younger, if I put this on my 10 year old brother, will his face disappear?
Ladies, the only time it's okay to be skeleton skinny is when you're "dead." Eat the friggan cookie and enjoy it!
So they pay $1 million for commercials of "starving" kids but they can't feed them?
A woman's "i'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "i'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same ?
Dear brain, do I have to remind you what you're supposed to do at night? Its called "sleep." All you have to do is shut the hell up!
*Police pulls me over* Police: "Do you know why I pulled you over?" Me: "Because you were bored and wanted someone to talk to?"
Girl: "I sing like a star!" Me: "Bitch, please. Take off your headphones and hear your actual voice."
Guy: "Wanna hear a joke?" Girl: "No thanks, I'm already looking at one."
I tried to send you something sexy but the mailman told me to get out of the mailbox.
Mom, if I can't take off my skinny jeans, neither can the rapist!
I like how ninja turtles wear masks, good way to hide your identity. It's not like you're a giant f^cking turtle or anything.
Kids are always full of energy until someone says the words "clean up". Then they're so tired.
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