Jan Gudaitis
@DeadpanJan
Stand-up comic, writer and public speaking. http://JanGudaitisComedy.com
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A Supreme Court Justice has been missing for a week after iron-clad evidence has surfaced of his wife conspiring to overthrow the government I mean this is such a nothingburger story, right?
The thing that breaks my heart is Odessa is considered the Capital of Humor. On April 1st we celebrate like crazy (Юморина): huge parade w/ costumes, clowns, dancers, mimes (I KNOW) & decorate statues w/ tinfoil. As a comic I’m biased, but to attack the laugh of Ukraine is low
"This is genius. Bin Laden takes down these buildings with a couple of planes. How smart is that? That's pretty savvy. "Bin Laden liked me. I liked him. Had I been in office, this wouldn't have happened." — What former president Clinton did not say on Sept. 11, 2001
W looked into Putin’s eyes & saw his soul. Trump looked & saw Trump Tower Moscow. Biden looked & saw an evil fuck.
Incredible
35 years ago today, Larry Bird was bored so he decided to play left-handed against Portland. He finished with: 47 PTS, 14 REB, 11 AST 10 of 21 FG made lefty Reporters asked him why he did this. His response? "I'm saving my right hand for the Lakers."
Sign up to be notified when #GoodPillow is available for preorder: GoodPillow.co (We promise we won't send you unsolicited bible quotes)
Mitt Romney has had a wild 24 hours. Getting screamed at in an airport, sitting aboard a crowded plane as MAGA passengers chanted "traitor" at him, sheltering in the capitol, and then calling for elected leaders to tell the truth. Strength of character personified.
Today, I worked my final shift at Walter Reed ER. I will miss the patients and my military and civilian coworkers - they have been overwhelmingly supportive. I’m honored to have worked there and I look forward to new opportunities. I stand by my words, and I regret nothing.
This week, Republicans objected to giving workers $1,200 checks to pay rent and feed their families. Why? “The deficit.” They didn’t care about the deficit when they passed $2 trillion in tax cuts for big corporations and millionaires. The biggest deficit is in their values.
It’s Hashtags time! Tweet out a funny or weird time you had a holiday decoration disaster, and tag it with #DecorationDisaster. Could be on the show!
When given the opportunity to purchase additional vaccine doses, Trump passed. And now, fewer Americans will be vaccinated before June. Make no mistake, Trump's incompetence will cost American lives. It already has. So much for America first.
Breaking News: Trump administration officials passed when Pfizer offered in the summer to sell the U.S. more coronavirus vaccine doses, people familiar with the matter said. Now Pfizer may not be able to provide more doses to the U.S. until next June. nyti.ms/3gon9Je
Things are looking up, @realDonaldTrump.
There have been more Trump aides who’ve tested positive for coronavirus since the election than documented cases of voter fraud
In six words or fewer, write a story about this photo. #sixwordstory #WritingCommunity
I knew we’d be happy but I didn’t realize we’d be spontaneous dance parties in the street happy. What a moment
Van, thank you for expressing the sorrow and relief that we all feel. My hope is that those who hoped for a different outcome will take a moment to empathize with the pain so many of us have felt over the past four years.
For America’s educators, this is a great day: You’re going to have one of your own in the White House, and Jill is going to make a great First Lady.
Usually when a man steals children and keeps them in cages he goes to jail. But in America he is neck and neck for president.
United States Trends
- 1. Xbox N/A
- 2. Supreme Court N/A
- 3. SCOTUS N/A
- 4. Slovakia N/A
- 5. Jack Hughes N/A
- 6. Congress N/A
- 7. Phil Spencer N/A
- 8. Tariffs N/A
- 9. Microsoft N/A
- 10. Huckabee N/A
- 11. Tucker N/A
- 12. Constitution N/A
- 13. Tage Thompson N/A
- 14. IEEPA N/A
- 15. Sarah Bond N/A
- 16. Mitch N/A
- 17. #USAHockey N/A
- 18. USA vs Canada N/A
- 19. The $TRUMP Airdrop N/A
- 20. Asha Sharma N/A
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