Your Estranged Uncle
@EstrangedUnc
Please keep your good vibes inside the vehicle at all times 🤙✌️
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(On a date) Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it. Me: haha yeah that was a good call... *deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
*walks up to the counter at GameStop* Me: Got any games? *walks out, cackling uncontrollably*
Me: *walks into Shark Tank* If you give me a billion dollars I can make each one of you a millionaire overnight. Me 5 seconds later: *gets a billion dollars*
Doctor: any history of illness in your family? Me: My mom pronounced crayon “crown”
*playing cards with the family* That one cousin: Is it too late to join? *restarts the game to let them play, starts playing again* That other cousin: hey can I join?
Me: How do I watch it? Them: Just Google YouTube Me: Hey - just shut up you idiot.
I consider myself an environmentalist. I only eat leftovers and I haven’t showered in 12 days.
I’m back for the holidays, and I brought only the essentials.
Sometimes I use Colgate total extra strength… just to feel something
The uncle urge to say “I haven’t seen you since last year”
All I want is @benandjerrys to name a flavor after me. If that happens I- My life will be complete.
Me and my girlfriend used to watch Friends but then we realized we wanted to be more than friends.
(On a first date) Me: *gets in the car, plays Concerning Hobbits by Howard Shore* The girl: Is this- Me: the best music ever made? Yes. Yes it is.
when I pay a professional fighter to catch me up on current events We call that boxer briefs.
Today must be the hardest day of the year for Santa.
Fast food commercials this time of year rlly be like: “Can’t celebrate with all your loved ones this year? Try Pizza Hut’s 9.99 CrAzY Christmas box!!! Let the Hut heal your home - order now!”
You: *sneezes on Christmas Day* Your aunts: WAIT NO STOP DO IT AGAIN I WANNA TAKE A PICTURE
Earth: We’re running out of fossil fuels. Where is all the coal going?! Santa:
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