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"Who's going to pay for the repairs to town that just got demolished?" - Me watching a superhero movie
She cleaned the whole house before I got out of bed today which pissed me off because she knows how much I like to watch and criticize.
I give her butterflies and she gives me third degree burns.. It's love..
Oh, you were born to be wild? That's nice. I was born to be miserable.
[on phone with attorney] HIM: you're being charged for murder. ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Sex before marriage may be immoral. But sex after marriage is mythological so take your choice.
When you drive, lost in thought, and arrive home not remembering the trip...That's me looking up from my phone after a day on Twitter.
"did i put on deodorant?? i think i put some on?? wait was that yesterday?? damn better put some on just in case." - me, 17 times a day
The great thing about a Fitbit is that it's so small it can fit into almost any garbage can.
CW: hey how was your weekend? Me (remembering I put socks on my dog and watched him try to walk around for an hour): ...productive
Being an adult is basically spending your whole day getting ready to go to bed.
Grandpa says he needs more Viagra at the old folks home or they'll take away his "Tomb Raider" nickname. At this point, it's all he's got.
[giving solid relationship advice] Friend: my girlfriend and I are so distant lately and I don’t know what to do. Me: get her pregnant.
If someone tells me they're a neat freak, I will show up at their house unannounced to prove that they are a liar.
If you have to ask someone, "Is this creepy?" It's creepy.
*Buys box of giant trash bags* *Keeps throwing stuff out until only couch, tv and refrigerator are left* *Lives in peace forever*
I'm always going to be single. I can't even walk up to a woman and ask how much she charges.
99% of my tweets are run on sentences. Trust me, ignoring your dm is the nicest thing I can possibly do for you.
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