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Starting a Running of the Bulls in Pamplona fantasy league. Who's in?
I’m pregnant, I got a promotion, I’m moving to Alaska, I’m engaged, they’re remaking Three’s Company, my car got towed, I banged an NHL player, I saw a UFO, I hit the lotto, I’ll send a nude to anyone that retweets this Happy April Fools P.S. one of these is true
"You can succeed if you work hard," say people who succeeded by cheating and getting lucky.
A picture of Robert Kraft’s prostitute has just been released.
I genuinely don't remember making you all this stupid.
Me: I want to be able to think like a man. Genie: Granted. [5 min later] Genie: So what do you think so far? Me: About what?
Want to really freak your man out? Say 'do you like my new haircut?' when you haven't had one.....
Hear me out, a help desk for old married men...
Words you should use more of in 2019: • cattywampus • humdinger • bunghole • ruckus • cockamamie • grody • malarkey • doozy • asshat • jeepers • buttever • smidge • nincompoop • numbnuts • skedaddle • shwing • dagnabbit • snackages • willy nilly • fuckface
Get some ice in your whisky so everyone knows you're drinking the the bottom shelf, peasantry whisky that couldn't possibly be enjoyed neat.
This image upsets Donald Trump, so I'm sure you'll refrain from sharing it in order to protect his feelings:
If this gets 666 RTs, I’ll send out the 4 Horsemen and destroy Earth.
I'm so old, I remember when mainstream Republicans were basically decent people with differing views on economics, and not a festering fucktangle of racists, Nazis, child molesters, and blackout-drunk gang-raping prep school boys
Ted CRUZ is ripping WILLIE NELSON for his support of BETO, I say WILLIE is more popular and likable than CRUZ will ever be, RT if you agree.
Why hasn't anyone come up with porn themed beer? Would it kill them to make "October-fist" or "Double-Penetration IPA"?
Why women live longer than men.
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