davidcraigbates's profile picture. Stand up comedian chasing his dreams.

SkinnyDipDavid

@davidcraigbates

Stand up comedian chasing his dreams.

Yo… how come bill gates is getting away with everything?


Receiving “Goodbye to you - @michellebranch” is 100x more devastating than receiving any @taylorswift13 song.


I changed my bosses wife’s name in his phone to “Scam Likely”. Cuz fuck him!!


I try to be more like @JoeListComedy everyday…

davidcraigbates's tweet image. I try to be more like @JoeListComedy everyday…

If Freddy Mercury and @bensonboone had a baby, it would definitely be Jay Renshaw!


Gloria Estefan can still get it #AMAs


When were Backstreet Boys country? #ACMAwards


Broke back street mountain boys #ACMAwards


100 liberal women vs 1 Trump supporter Trick question: the liberal women are actually dudes.


100 women vs 1 parallel parking spot


I own over 100 pairs of shoes. But I still only wear my classic black and white @Vans every day of my life. The slip on’s or the laces, depending on my mood.


If I get 1 like, then @elonmusk has to bless me with a gift of $100.00. Don’t be greedy folks.


McDonald’s fries are overrated. Instead of disagreeing and arguing with me, ask yourself why you have shitty standards.


I think the most important question to be asking right now is this: What did the shooter order at Starbucks before he shot the CEO? I can’t keep ordering “Whatever the CEO shooter got”.


I have unsubscribed to @jimmyjohns emails approximately 40 times and they still send me emails all the damn time. No means no!


Hey @netflix, @ufc isn’t buffering even with Bruce buffer.


How many of you are canceling your #netflix accounts after this bs?


Watching Mike Tyson fight like it’s the 90’s… meaning, Netflix is graining af, like my tv in the 90’s.


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