I would rather live somewhere that is permanently cold than hot. I can always add layers, but I can only get so naked.
There is nothing sadder then leaving for work and making eye contact with your pet as you close the door.
University is great because you’re effectively an unemployed alcoholic but your parents are really proud of you.
If there was a picture of every Joe in the world we’d finally be able to see what the average Joe looks like.
Nothing is really lost until your mum can’t find it.
Cities should plant fruit trees in public parks to help feed the homeless.
If you named your alcohol “Responsibly,” then your competitors would do all of your advertising for you.
9 times out of 10 my bladder is what motivates me to get out of bed.
Lets start a reality show where flat earthers get put on boats to search for the edge
Having depression and anxiety is like being in an abusive relationship, with yourself.
We sleep because the simulation running Earth doesn’t have the processing power to run all creatures at once.
Fisherman are like aliens to fish. They move across the sky in mysterious ships and abduct fish through a mechanism that lifts fish up
Pet stores should have an empty reptile cage labeled “chameleon” to see how long people will stand and look.
I find it hard to tell people how I’m feeling, because I’m worried about how it will make them feel.
People hate to text first because they think they’re annoying, but love to get texts first.
The ultimate goal of golf is to play as little golf as possible.
Someone who studies atoms is just a bunch of atoms trying to understand themselves.
We should be more thankful our internal organs don’t itch.
Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 2 seconds, but instead, I’m gonna run it over 100 times with my vacuum at different angles.
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