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The most effective way to get friends to come out & celebrate your birthday is to tell them it’s your last one.
If I won the $1.7B powerball jackpot I’d get rid of that usb-to-car cigarette lighter adapter for my iPod and upgrade to a 3.5mm-to-lightning aux. cable.
Rather than navigate the DMV website to apply for a “Real ID”, I’ve decided to move to Iran.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Teach a man how to Dougie and you get your teaching certification revoked.
A self-driving Jaguar has stopped, holding up all the cars in the middle of a Whole Foods parking lot. This is Waymo problematic than we imagined.
My dad used to be a Greek god. If he found out that I’ve never been to the ocean, he’d be Poseidon self.
If you took all the people waiting in line for In-N-Out, sneakers, video games and 7-11 lottery tickets you’d have a workforce.
If you get arrested in Hollywood, you should slate during your mugshot. #Hollywood
Can’t believe Celine Dion never did a Dion covers album. ‘Dion does Dion.’ What a gyp. Wasted talent…
Everything that comes out of Trump’s mouth is about as nonsensical as a level 1 improv class showcase.
I swatted at a spider. It got away among some of my coats hanging on the rack. I am now the villain in this bug’s ‘John Wick’ film.
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