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And for 19 years I've been saying no because you can't stop cheating on your wives.
For 19 years, I have been praying every day when I get out of bed that God will put me in a position to end the chronic disease epidemic so we can restore health to our children.
My second Job in Hollywood was the Bob Newhart show My first comedy album was Bob Newhart's .. What a wonderful human being Rest in a Peace that is very funny
College has become like porn- I regret ever paying for it because everything you need is now free online
Lauren Boebert has perhaps shown a desire to reach across the aisle here.
I always have my kids say “thank you” to Alexa so that hopefully in the future our robot overlords will remember their civility
Social media is like looking in the fridge over & over. You know there's nothing good but you check it so many times that eventually you start consuming things you don't even like
If you want some alone time in America, just take the stairs
Smartphones are the only invention where people say “I’m glad I was around before that”
In the Prison yard Trump: What’s that? Guard: It’s a finished wall
Being a vegan on thanksgiving is like being Jewish on Christmas
I constantly have to remind myself that waking up without a hangover is not an accomplishment
Guy Fieri is Anthony bourdain without depression
Wearing body armor to protect themselves from… drag queens?
"They expressed no anti-Semitism" is not something I've ever felt the need to say after hanging out with my friends. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
YouTube Title: "The meaning of life & the key to eternal happiness." Me: "Ugh, 14 minutes? Pass."
Last minute Halloween costume idea: Time traveler who doesn’t know about Halloween.
It’s fun that people think they need to tell you they’re not a scientist
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