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late night comics ✨
phil: this is my wall of inspirational men dan: it’s just one picture of you phil: yes.
therapist: how would you describe your childhood? dan: probably with adjectives
phil: [gets down on one knee] dan: omg it's finally happening phil: [ties his shoelaces] dan: he finally stopped wearing crocs
dan: you are exacerbating the situation instead of ameliorating it phil: i am… not. but just in case, i’m gonna go back to my room and check the dictionary
dan:
QUIZ: Have You Made The Bon Appétit Focaccia Yet Or Do You Live With Someone You Can Fuck?: ow.ly/Mxrx50zlKfe
Dan: oh hey why’d you get up from bed? Phil: curtain’s haunted Dan: what? Phil: *loading a pistol and leaving the bedroom* curtain’s haunted
dan: what’s the nicest way to tell someone their baby is ugly? phil: say “aww, they look just like you”
dan: this cookie is... spicy. it's supposed to be sweet. it's not even fully baked. if i have to rate this, i would give it three points- phil: i made it myself! dan: -out of three points
dan: you will marry me phil: actually it’s “will you marry-” dan: i said what i said and i stand by it
phil
QUIZ: Have You Made The Bon Appétit Focaccia Yet Or Do You Live With Someone You Can Fuck?: ow.ly/Mxrx50zlKfe
me: i don't believe in true love, it's a scam dnp: i'm about to end this man's whole career
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