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ME: just found out there’s no such thing as updog FRIEND: whats updog ME: nothing FRIEND: ME: ME: i just explained this
*AA meeting* group leader: the first step to recovery is recognizing you have a problem, which — me: *standing up as batteries fall out of my pockets* I don’t think I’m in the right place
ME AT OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family MY STEP-SON: I’m still not calling you dad
Is anyone else mad that when a sitcom character tries to sound like they’re saying something complicated in Spanish they always throw in the word “library”? or am I just hyperfocusing?
What if you go camping and take a dump in the woods with your buddy and that’s how you find out he’s got a wombat butthole and poops in cubes
real quick, are collagen shots something you drink or am i an alcoholic
PUBLISHER: yeah no the story is fantastic HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSON: then what’s wrong PUBLISHER: I just think the title could use some work— HANS: Listen here, The Gargantuan Fucking Mermaid will be a timeless classic
I know this might be controversial but if you eat the marshmallows last in a bowl of lucky charms then you’re a bottom
Kids who screamed whenever the power would go out at school are conspiracy theorists today.
I tried decorating a cookie and it looks like a bunch of worms and turds assembled together to make graffiti Merry Christmas everyone
Once upon a time, my siblings and I saw the preview for Cars, and we all thought Mater’s actual Christian name was “Dag Gum”. Man we were stupid.
ME: *tweets* YOU: *confused* ME: sorry I couldn’t think of anything and there’s like nothing good in my drafts YOU: *scoffs* *keeps scrolling*
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