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It doesn't matter how badass you are... When a child hands you their plastic toy cellphone... You answer it.
How come everybody rubs her tummy and says "congrats", but nobody rubs my balls and says "good job".
I just saw a fat guy with a shirt that said, "I beat anorexia".
It doesn't matter how hard or badass you are... When a toddler hands you their ringing toy cell phone, you'll still answer it.
I really need to stop confusing sign language for kung fu. Too many people get hurt...
If you watch Godzilla backwards it's about a dinosaur who passionately pieces a city back together before moonwalking into the sea.
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail. But a true friend will be there sitting next to you saying "damn that was fun!"
Today I saw a baby with a shirt that said "Pardon my nipple breath". #ridiculousness
If a robber ever breaks in, I'll just pretend to be one too, and we'll laugh and hug and he'll leave because I have first dibs.
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