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Turns out training a dog to smell approaching nuclear missiles is kind of pointless
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife] Wife: Look at it's little heart beating! Isn't it amazing... Me: It looks like a crossiant
In your next life you'll be reborn as a bear but you'll still be afraid of bears
"Every dog has his day," they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
[In bed] Wife: do that thing that I like Me: [goes to sleep and doesn't snore] Wife: mmm... yeah
Americans if you want to do something good tomorrow why not cook or bake some treats and bring them to a firehouse?
[approaches parent with child on a leash] "Mind if I pet your dog?" Hey that's my son! "Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?"
hope everyone is having a nice weekend...shout out to those who don't get weekends off. Soldiers cops and waiters.
Sorry I performed a flawless cover of Clarence Carter's 'Strokin' at your grandma's nursing home
Combine all sports into one sport called Ballstorm and then maybe I'll watch it
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
If you give a Taco Bell employee $5 they will let you eat everything you want out of the dumpster for 30 minutes.
I used to feel bad for Bristol Palin. She had a shitty family and was used as a political prop. I don't feel sorry for her anymore.
pilot: [via intercom] i will fly us directly into hell if nobody stops that baby crying
If you don't already know what this is you probably don't want to know.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend being nice to me. The 5th dentist is buried in my basement.
Hope fb never disables me bumping 5 year old complaints on corporate pages
The weirdest part of wearing a coonskin cap is knowing that your hat is running around at night knocking over garbage cans
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