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The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is the one time the boss comes strolling through the plant.


A hangover is when you open your eyes in the morning and wish you hadn't.


A little greed can get you lots of stuff


Never step in anything soft.


Marriage is like burning the house down to toast the bread.


How can you tell when a salesman is lying? When his lips are moving.


In doing good, avoid notoriety. In doing evil, avoid self-awareness.


I am the Shopping Cart that nicks at your paint-job.


Middle age is when you wonder if your warranty is running out.


Locks and keys are for honest people.


What color does a smurf turn when you strangle it?


Never eat prunes when you are famished.


I may have settled in shipping.


Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.


Women! Cant live with them, Cant live with them!


There is nothing wrong with you that an expensive surgical operation cannot prolong.


Where is an elephants sex organ? In his feet. If he steps on you, you're fucked.


Don't wear earmuffs in a bed of rattlesnakes.


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


You're not old, You're chronologically disadvantaged


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