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Setting my clocks ahead several minutes hasn't helped me be more punctual, it only made me better at math.
Y'all worried about politics and Olympics. I'm worried shrinkflation is going to under stuff my Oreos.
When you realize how many Americans never learned Greek mythology.
Privacy is power. What people don't know, they can't ruin.
What do you get when you take the p and the f out of perfection? Because my autocorrect sure knows the answer.
By the way, you can call me Your Excellency if you want.
Societies reset button must be a clit.
When you say goodnight to everyone but then you have to go back like an idiot👎
Well you crazy fuckers, I'm back. Now let's see how long it takes for my girlfriend to notice.
I just fit into a pair of size six pants so I think we can all prepare for the apocalypse now.
Bartender: We're out of the non-alcoholic version of this drink. Me: And?
This cat looks like a human except it doesn't give a damn
I set my own boundaries. I will not live in someone else's cage.
Someone at work said he thought my fanny pack was a colostomy bag. I laughed until he said "No kink shaming."
I am insanely fucking envious of every single one of you, y'all can fucking mute my thoughts any fucking time
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