AloomaRay
@AloomaRay
I'm talking to God. Or the Gin is. It's tough to say for sure.
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God told me why Santa isn’t getting into heaven anymore. And you guessed it. 100% Amber Heard’s fault. #AmberHeard #AmbersFault #JohnnyDepp #heardvsdepp
I asked God who’s smarter, #Yoda or #ElonMusk? Guess Her answer. #Yoda #ElonMusk #MayTheFourth @MayThe4th #YodaVsElon #ElonVsYoda
God told me St. Patrick's Day was invented by the Swiss in the early 1900s. But I'd bet my Irish Army Knife that She's wrong. #StPatricksDay
God told me that dolphins aren't as smart as people say. So what. It's not their brains I'm attracted to, if you know what I mean.
God says She isn't afraid to torture the damned while they're still on earth. Which totally explains what's happening to Carrot Top.
God told me that I really should put my pyjama bottoms back on. Isn't that just like Her? Always siding with Mall Security.
God told me She really hates it when I pray to Yoda instead of Her. Looks like jealousy really is a green monster.
God asked me what I did with my eyebrows? It's pretty obvious what I did with them. The question is, can She help me get them back.
God told me to give everything I have to the Kardashians. Somehow that doesn't seem right to me. I mean, what would I have left for Miley?
I asked God for an extra row of teeth. I assumed She knew I wanted them in my mouth, but beggars can't be choosers I guess.
God told me there's no free Wifi in heaven. She says She wants everybody to have a good time, but it's not like She's running a charity.
God told me She's got a plan for everyone of us. Except for Randy Jackson. He's on his own.
God told me my vasectomy didn't take. Terrible news. But it explains why all the cats in the neighbourhood look like me.
God says I went "too far" with my implants. Maybe with the left one...maybe.
God told me not to drink the subway water. But She changed Her mind when She saw how much I liked it. She's really great like that.
God told me we are all brothers and sisters. I'm just glad I found out before my date on Saturday.
I told God how much I respect Vin Diesel. Which should stand as a warning to anyone who mixes Ambien and alcohol.
I thought God told me I look good in orange. But it was just my cell mate Rudy. They sound the same in the dark.
I'm not blaming God for my unremarkable life. But She's the one who made me lazy and unambitious.
God told me how lucky I am to have a longer than normal tail bone. And sure, I'm grateful. When I'm not wearing my sweatpants.
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