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Lockdown is so isolating that I just waved to a snail on the other side of my window. This Twitter will now simply be a record of my descent into madness
Is it sad or empowered to watch the move ‘How to be Single’ while trying not to hear your flatmate have sex
I just sat down in a silent dentist waiting room on a sofa that was softer than expected and went “OOH SQUISHY”
This is an insane comedy line up so I recommend grabbing a $20 ticket right now TBH @EliMatthewson @JamesMustapic @Musicalgal03 @dlcorreos @BridgeetoTweeto @utherlives @edamoned undertheradar.co.nz/gig/80738/Muck…
My toxic trait is observing driving mistakes and saying to myself “ooh they’d fail their restricted”
Omg just got unmatched with after telling a guy I do comedy. Not sure if he’s an asshole or just smart
Having Grandpa Simpson’s kidneys exploding as a core childhood memory makes long car trips more stressful
Found out I was making 20% more than my coworker so we spent lunch drafting an email for her to renegotiate her contract. Talk about your pay!!
Reminder: This excellent comedy show is happening on Saturday! With @dlcorreos @EliMatthewson @HungryPeachBoy @BridgeetoTweeto @keegancraze @RhiaRhiaRhi undertheradar.co.nz/gig/78076/Satu…
If you thought it was bad having your songs used for hold music, wait until they’re used to repel protestors
Imagine how short every crime series/movie/documentary etc would be if men listened to women when they said they knew something
I like how Twitter emails me to let me know how many people saw my tweet so I know how many people didn’t like it
If you don’t say “you loosened it up for me” when someone gets you to open something for them, you’re a dick
Accidentally ordered delivery ubereats instead of pickup and now a man is driving food to me from literally next door
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