Chris Vandergaag
@ButNoSeriously
Print and internet writing have peaked. The future of literary expression is knuckle tats. My tweets are my own, etc.
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"I used to get STDs on Tinder. But then I changed. Now, I get mugged in parking lots trying to catch Pidgy."
Parents: Coming unexpectedly to a credit card statement near you
Always, up til now: [Spots an eagle] Whoa... That's beautiful. 2016: [Spots an eagle] [Whips out phone and tries to throw a Pokéball at it]
I miss old Twitter when everyone was CEO of a social media company they were starting
[puts on clean pants] Well lookit me, I'm the President.
Got a friend request from a stranger called "Shanae." If you're going to step like that, and you're not called "Shanay-nay", pffft NEXT
Been reading blogs. We have to change our resumes. "Excellent communicator" has no chill. From now on, we "drop realness bombs."
Anyone playing Overwatch on Xbox One? Just got it today!
@Unblock_Us is your service currently unblocking US Netflix? Yes or no? Please respond!
I might have to unfollow George Takei because of the puns.
Don't fuck with writers. We'll describe you.
.@Sethrogen liking the profanity in Sausage Party! Think how much better would Toy Story have been if Tom Hanks told Clooney to eat his ass
Admit that you've wished ATMs had a "yeah well, fuck you too" button.
A boy leaves the house despite explicit instructions to the contrary and gets shot in the face. #ExplainaTVPlotBadly
Boots and cats just made all legitimately skillful beatboxing ridiculous forever. Good job, Siri
New Years resolution: if you post something racist about refugees I WILL introduce your daughter or sister to brown guys who own nightclubs.
@Amanda_Lei missed your tweets! haven't twittered lately
If there was an actual Satan he'd be vaping on a hoverboard.
![Cocktailmancy's profile picture. Cocktailmancy - [kok-teylˌmænsi] the dark art of raising long dead spirits and mixing them into refreshing beverages.](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/3588472553/5e7ccc9761d3391052fd090275a8f914.jpeg)
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