ComedyJamesRoberts
@ComedyRoberts
just a guy being funny on a stage
You might like
Her father: *threateningly* Whatever you do to her, I'll do too you. Remember that! Me: Well I just spent the last 45 minutes giving her oral. *unzips pants* Your move pops....
How much do you think I can sell a picture of @fluffyguy wearing pants? #puyallupfair
I think I figured it out! Women don't like "nice guys" because they think they're into "vanilla sex" and none of the girls using tinder can cum unless they're being choked by a skinny dude without a car. 🤔
Not a billionaire... guess I'll go to work. #lotteryfailure
People say a lot of harsh things about their exes, which I find odd. My ex helped me go viral once... but penicillin cleared that right up
#parenting basically means you get less sleep than an insomniac at a heavy metal concert, but you're still supposed to function like a proper adult... fuck
Does anybody know anyone looking to invest hundreds of thousands of dollars?
Today I was told I "looked like a Seattle lesbian" and I looked like "the most attractive version of John Goodman" ... I love live comedy
Just realized I'm going to be so much funnier in Oregon
Kanye West is getting fewer #votes than Jo Jorgensen... which is weird, because way more people know who Kanye is...
Did Joe Biden make like Happy Gilmore and win his old house back yet?
Yo @realDonaldTrump, there seems to be a rumor going around the small town i work that a group of your devout supporters is going to start "hunting down the gays" tonight... do you think you could, as #POTUS, acknowledge this as "unacceptable behavior"? Thanks!
On this Tuesday, four years ago, over 12,000 grown adults got out of bed, stood in the cold at the polls, and voted for Harambe. #DicksOut
I can't ask myself "what would Jesus do?" Because I know that dude made his own alcohol and hung out with prostitutes.
Friend: how's your day going? Me: I was just punched in the nuts by a German Sheppard. Friend: like, the dog? Or...?
First show I've ever performed in a parking lot and what a great show it was!
Being a new parent is weird... never before in my life would I have thought that a conversation about "when the last time the baby pooped" would lead directly to sex...
#America ... if you're still undecided after watching that monstrosity of #Debates2020 and think your vote is pointless... just know it only takes a 3rd party 5% of the vote to ensure you never have to vote for the lessor of two evils ever again.
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