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There really is no need to place me up on a pedestal... any barstool will do
I'm still calling it the Gulf of Mexico like I'm still calling this Twitter
Twitter is my Walmart, I make fun of you but I’m here too.
I managed to gain a pound after my colonoscopy prep in case you were looking for an overachiever.
The first 50 years of childhood are always the hardest.
Things are so bad that everyone is leaning on Elmo for emotional support
The cool thing about having a birthday that falls on daylight savings time is I get an extra hour of feeling old
According to this cheese Advent calendar I bought yesterday I guess I should wish everyone Merry Christmas today.
At the bar last night, a man got his nipple pierced right in front of me On a side note, I suck at darts
I’m in a bad place right now. Not mentally, I’m in the mall.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today. Me: Was it Don Henley?
Being on Twitter shows that I kinda like people but I just don’t want to be around any.
I’m so southern I was baptized in gravy
Person: I have a friend in a wheelchair. Do you know him? Me [from my wheelchair]: The first rule of wheelchair club is that you do not talk about wheelchair club.
Finally at the stage where doctors say, "at your age..." The end is fucking nigh
Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies are about as healthy as I get for breakfast.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Seinfeld Today: Elaine spends six hours in a testing line, Jerry finds his new girlfriend less attractive with a mask off, George attends an anti-vax rally so he can get "super-immunity," and Kramer hoards rapid tests.
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