Hempie
@DanInLimbo
Hard to believe I was the strongest sperm. The other 10 million must have been real losers
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"These rattlesnakes can only be beaten with more rattlesnakes" -National Rattlesnake Association
This #michiganstate team is hard to watch right now. I was more comfortable watching Jon Favreau on the phone in Swingers.
At the DMV. They said, wait in the designated area that best represents you. They categories were bananas: Downtrodden Optimists, Serial High Fivers, Mechanic Philosophers. This was as good as I could figure out. I just want to renew my license.
I was thinking "The Manning's are hilarious, it would be nice if they could dominate TV even more". -NOBODY
This commercial told me to ask my physician if an oral treatment is right for me. Will he talk to my wife for me?
Wait wait wait. The #Lions Fox announcers are Adam Amin, Schlereth, and Pink? Isn't Schlereth aka "Stink"? So we got 2A a stink and a pink? Noice. #NFL
"They expect 2 more inches" -Chicago weather. -all of my former lovers.
YESSSS! This absolutely floors me
Aaaaaand the winners are @clashrebel @DavidDavids @DanInLimbo! Email your mailing address to [email protected]. We're live Saturday night at @niceafest in Somerville, MA!
We're giving away 3 copies of our newly released deluxe vinyl edition of I'm You (2019). We'll choose winners randomly from anyone who RT's this by Saturday (6/23) at noon ET. Check out our new🔥single, "Superglued to You," here or anywhere you listen. open.spotify.com/track/34Y0gePy…
If I was really made in God's image, wouldn't my dick be getting bigger as I get older, not smaller? I FINALLY know how to use the damn thing.
Kenobi just living alone in a cave, off the grid. No TV, no furniture, only dealing with an occasional Jawa, watching kids from a distance. He's living the dream.
After watching the intro to Kenobi I see how much time was wasted on episodes 1-3. That was really all we needed.
Why is there a baby formula shortage when there are so many titties?
Parents are gonna have to start cutting baby formula with cocaine. #ForTheChildren
Never seen someone so dedicated to spreading misinformation @elonmusk
Doing a shot of vanilla-caramel creamer must be like a shot of tequila for evangelicals.
Will Smith got into a fight and won an Oscar. He’s an assist away from a Gordle Howe hat trick
Comedians every where should be pissed, right? Come on, Will Smith. Lighten up man.
"I like to explore things. I don't expect to enjoy them, but I want to know whats working for other people". -Jerry Seinfeld
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