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Watching Boogie Nights with my headphones so my roommate won't think I'm blaring actual porn
I don't consider COVID officially over until we get back free samples at the grocery store
Just a brief reminder: "I like that wet warm pussy she got." - Genius comedian Dave Chappelle on his wife's vagina
Working in restaurants has made me a snob. I was in a bar today and literally thought to myself, "This playlist is barely curated."
yes my ears are ringing, not cause I'm old, I just walked away from a bomb going off
all it takes to be a renaissance man these days is to vape while you piss
I'm getting to that level of out-of-shape where regular movement feels like a workout.
I can't tell if my hangovers have gotten worse, or its just my sense of shame has matured.
Being the last comic to go up in a festival is like being the last soldier killed in a war. But at least in war, you get to stay dead.
Attention Uber drivers: chew gum with your mouth open, and you won't need air freshener.
My tax guy's office has a giant $1000 bill framed on its wall. Looks like this year's refund comes in Disney dollars.
I'm so hairy that if I push too hard while pooping my beard grows a quarter inch
Every group of gutter punks I've ever seen looks like the dog's in charge.
I'm so old that I just accidentally called my freshman year 'first grade'
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