𝔉𝔦𝔯𝔰𝔱 𝔗𝔦𝔪𝔢 ℌ𝔬𝔯𝔯𝔬𝔯 ℜ𝔢𝔳𝔦𝔢𝔴𝔰

3 From Hell (2019) Thought It Was: A prequel to 1000 Corpses, as the 3 clearly die at the end of Devil’s Rejects Turns Out: They survived. And then just do the same movie again. Take Away: The lack of Captain Spaulding showed why he was such an integral part of it all. RIP Sid

The Devil’s Rejects (2005) Thought It Was: Sequel to House of 1,000 Corpses (2,000 Corpses?) Turns Out: 3 terrible people try to escape the cops. Not sure who to root for here... Diamond Dallas Page shows up. Take Away: The only time I’ve ever enjoyed Free Bird. ACAB

Mom and Dad (2017) Thought It Was: Nic Cage goes crazy and tries to kill Selma Blair and kids. Turns Out: Nic Cage is already crazy. The urge to kill kids fixes their divorce. Take Away: I wish I could divorce myself from the memories of this movie! Yikes.

Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988) Thought It Was: Clowns come from outer space and kill everyone. Turns Out: Klowns come from outer space and kill everyone. With cottton candy (kotton kandy?) Take Away: Deter Klowns the same way you would a shark, boop their snoot.

The Ring (2002) Thought It Was: If you watch this video a girl comes out of the TV and kills you Turns Out: This is film about horse suicides. Take Away: In watching this movie, I also watched the video that kills you. Bummer...

Conjuring 2 (2016) Thought It Was: More of that creepy doll. Probably in New England again. Turns Out: No doll. And we’re off to Old England this time! This ghost has his OWN ghost! Take Away: Maybe, I dunno, throw away a chair that a man you don’t know died in 20 years ago.

Insidious (2010) Thought It Was: Another Classic ‘kid gets possessed’ movie. Turns Out: What’s the opposite of possessed? That’s what the kid is. Hornless Darth Maul is trying his best to get in there. Take Away: How many horror franchises is this plain white dude gonna be in?

It Chapter 2 (2019) Thought It Was: Sequel to It. The clown was asleep for 27 years and is hungry for kids! Turns Out: It is an alien? From space? Only way to kill him is with trinkets! Take Away: The 2 in the title stands for TOO LONG!

House of 1000 Corpses (2003) Thought It Was: A house is filled will 1,000 corpses. Turns Out: House has like... 3 corpses. The catacombs NEAR the house? That’s where you go for the corpses. Take Away: Chris Hardwick nearly ruined this one for me. Glad he finally met Dr. Satan.

Midsommar (2019) Thought It Was: A weird Swedish cult. Takes place in the middle of summer. Turns Out: College kids befriend a Swede who tricks them into having sex with his family and also dying. Take Away: Don’t do drugs. Or you’ll become an on fire scarecrow. Bearcrow?

Monster Squad (1987) Thought It Was: Squad of mean monsters cause a ruckus in a small town. Turns Out: The kids are the squad. Frankenstein is nice! Dracula is not. The Gill-Man did nothing all movie, then killed a cop, and got shot by a kid. Take Away: Steven King DOES rule!

Gremlins (1984) Thought It Was: Tiny monsters (aliens?) terrorize town. Something about not feeding them? Turns Out: Monkey-Puppy gets wet has babies eat chicken and proceed to have the coolest Christmas Eve ever. Take Away: I’ve been tricked into reviewing a CHRISTMAS MOVIE.

Happy October my fellow creeps and ghouls! I am happy to announce that I will be watching another 31 horror movies for the first time. I plan on getting WEIRDER this year, and would love your ideas! First review coming this afternoon 💀☠️👻🎃🤡👹😈🦇🕷🌙⚰️🖤 #FirstTimeHorror

Waking up from my 11 month slumber to wish you all a Happy Friday the 13th and heading to @HorrorNightsORL tonight. #FrequentFear Year 2 of First Time Horror Reviews will begin on October 1st, and it’s gonna get weird this year...

Halloween (1978) Thought It Was: Mike Myers has a white mask and kills people with a knife. Likely on Halloween? Turns Out: Michael Myers is the killer. Mike is Shrek. Take Away: I’ve waited in lines at the grocery store longer than the entire cast and crew of this movie.

The Exorcist (1973) Thought It Was: Girl gets possessed and vomits on some people. Turns Out: Girl gets possessed and does WAY WORSE STUFF THAN JUST VOMIT.💉✝️ Take Away: Even movie stars can have the devil posses their kids. Celebrities - they’re just like us!

Scream (1996) Thought It Was: Guy in that mask that everyone in middle school had kills a bunch of 90’s heartthrobs. Turns Out: Guy(s) get so obsessed with horror movies that they need to act them out. Take Away: Red flag: anyone who is THAT obsessed with horror movies...👀

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) Thought It Was: Texan commits a massacre using a chainsaw. Turns Out: Frickin nailed this one. Take Away: The modernization of the workforce will eventually lead to this reality. Support your local unions.

The Sixth Sense (1999) Thought It Was: Bruce Willis was dead the whole time. Turns Out: Bruce Willis WAS dead the whole time. And I wish I didn’t know that... Kinda ruined the whole thing... Take Away: I need to see more movies sooner so they aren’t spoiled.

Paranormal Activity (2007) Thought It Was: Couple sees ghosts on camera in their bedroom. Turns Out: Couple sees doors move on camera in bedroom. Take Away: What’s scarier: Ghost pulling her across the floor? Or the interior decor of this lame ass house.