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Sorry I haven't been tweeting lately. been jerking off a lot instead #HOWTOHAVEAHAPPYNEWYEAR
Demand God make you skinnier. #NewYearsResolutionIn5Words
Go here if you need a place to commit suicide where someone else has to clean up the mess! #lifehack #jimmystewart
Buy your children lots of expensive gifts. #howtohidethatyouareactuallygaylikepuffdaddy
These titties will scare your family. #howtomakefunchristmas
Pretend it's a donut hole #HOWTOEATTHEBOOTYLIKEGROCERIES
Let Miichael J Fox give you a haircut #Howtocutyourearoff
Flail your body parts in all directions. #Howtoswim #howtosex
Keep bring up your sister's DUI at Thanksgiving #HowToBeTheFavoriteChild
Next messiah? #howtostartacult #howtogiveyourkidashittyname #TheWalkingDead
Saylor James Cutler was born today at 132pm!! 🎀💕 instagram.com/p/-cXn7ztQ-1/
Run out of pasta? Use rubber bands. #howtocookforyourkidsonyourweekends #divorced
Bought some Minions condoms and they all broke. Damn, Minions. Got me again. #minions #cutebutevil
Cover yourself in honey and period blood #HOWTOSENDABEARMIXEDSIGNALS
Set up Charlie Sheen with a vampire #HOWTOGIVEAVAMPIREHIV
Sell crack and pose as a nude model #HOWTOPAYFORYOURPARKINGTICKETS
Suck like your something stuck in your teeth #HOWTOGIVEGOODBJS
Do a summersault and lick your chin #HOWTOEATYOUROWNASS
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