IActuallyAmSam's profile picture. Assorted shenanigans.

Samantha Ivey

@IActuallyAmSam

Assorted shenanigans.

When your architect used metric.

IActuallyAmSam's tweet image. When your architect used metric.

Skid a mile in my shoes.

IActuallyAmSam's tweet image. Skid a mile in my shoes.

I wish I could just plug in Matrix style and download every pun ever told so I won't do the goofy chuckle whenever I haven't heard one.


So Jesus went zombie after three days?


My New Year's resolution is to be more forward thinking.


Do you swing? Park here.

IActuallyAmSam's tweet image. Do you swing? Park here.

I'm having some difficulties balancing my time budget. It's weird because my income hasn't changed.


When did the internet become all about telling me I've done everything wrong all my life?


Do you mean an African or Indian relevant?


Defrost means "to voluntarily wait salivating for longer than necessary" in microwave.


[casting The Revenant] Hey, Leo! That thing when you were all feebled on ludes in Wolf of Wall Street? Can you do it for a whole movie?


And as you read this tweet your eye lids are becoming heavier. You're decending into state of complete... relaxation… Not working, huh?


Cool expression, but can you tell me about the 21 first catches? Are there any more?! JEEZ KNOW SOMETHING BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR FACE HOLE!


This responsibility thing is getting out of hand. I'm pretty sure I don't want any of it.


I'm just not sure but give me your eye contact details and I'll think about it.


I always carry a can of pepper spray, an expandable baton and a rhythm stick. Better safe than sorry.


I seem to be allocated a smaller amount of fucks to give every year.


Because it's deep shit like this male lions think up chilling under their favorite acacia.

IActuallyAmSam's tweet image. Because it's deep shit like this male lions think up chilling under their favorite acacia.

Is coffee a soup or a consommé?


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