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Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
The next time you're at Olive Garden, put one breadstick in your mouth and one in your bum. Then yell, "THEY REALLY ARE ENDLESS!!!"
listen. i fuckin--look at me--i fu--LOOK AT ME IN MY EYES--i fucking love coconut
If you change your mind about going on that date just call my watch or text my glasses.
A funny thing to do while giving an emotional speech is to say, "I promised myself I wasn't going to cry," and then not cry
Let's have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I'll try to get a gun. Ready? I'm done.
Adulthood Pros: You can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Our mutual friend went to the bathroom so now what do we do, do I lay on you or put my purse on your face
Heard that some adults still go to the doctor. What're you guys, babies? Does your mom pack your lunches for yo- *coughs up a whole dolphin*
Spider-Man should just be called Peter Parkour
I'm sorry you're just not NASA material "Why?" Well, you wrote 'red' then crossed it out & put 'human' under blood type on your application.
"you gotta crawl before you walk" -10th place sprinter
"Take a picture; it'll last longer!" Will Snapchat make this phrase obsolete? Discuss. #SnapchatPhilosophyClass
*buys Sushi for Dummies* *preheats oven* *reads first page of Sushi for Dummies* *turns off oven*
Writing a German porno called "Employees Must Wash Hans."
what about a vigilante who's an elderly rich lady and her calling card is her bullets are made from swarovski crystals. bye
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like "thank God it Friday!" or "Im pregnant of baby"
No, I didn't say I have trust issues. I said I have *trusty shoes*. See there they are on that other man's feet OH MY GOD
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