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You know how when you're a fast walker and the guy ahead of you is fast too but only 90% as fast as you, so you MUST pass him, but to pass him you have to walk comically faster than your normal speed, or else you'll be in his personal space too long as you pass? That's annoying.
It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how BIG you win when you’re WINNING! Especially if there’s not even a game happening!!! 🇺🇸
Record JOBS DAY!! 223K jobs added. Unemployment is 3.8%, lowest in 50 yrs. Black and Asian unemployment hit historic new lows. Adult men and women, and teenagers, are at lowest since 2000. Hourly earnings are up! Tax CUTS are working. America is WINNING BIG under President Trump!
Just redownloaded Twitter to tweet something, only to type the tweet out and realize it was def not worth tweeting. I even had to reset my password. 👋🏻
I was a meatball on asiago cheese bread... 🙋🏻
That feeling when you pull your socks up taut after they've gotten bunched up throughout the day. #sogood 😌
My only regret from 2017 is that I forgot to say "see you next year".
SERIOUSLY?!??? Trump tweets cartoon of train hitting CNN reporter - BBC News bbc.com/news/world-us-…
Can we stop using the word hipster? It's a subjective word at this point and I never know what variety of hipster is being ridiculed anymore
RT if there's ever been a speck of dirt on your computer screen that you've mistaken for punctuation
The best news story today is this little girl called Anu showing her friends her new foot. Watch.
Who else googles, "is wine good for your health?" every time they drink wine? Someone always has the right answer. #validation
Just said "per chance" to a clerk at Vons and feeling weird about it.
Just read a Craigslist ad for an IKEA shelf that started with "For your consideration," and my faith in humanity was restored.
According to my calculations, the average person spend .5% of her life searching for an emoji that she swears exists, but actually does not
If eating sandwiches is wrong, I don't want to be right. 🍞 #makebreadgreatagain
Imagine if u honestly uncovered a Watergate-level scandal abt yr own presidency, but then 30 min later got bored & started tweeting about TV
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