Kate Rotz
@KateRotz
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert waiter: that’s mousse, sir me: hmm, that’ll be too much
You know you’re true friends when you spend ten minutes discussing the different types of meows your cats have in re-enacting detail
The girl doing my pedicure asked if I paint and trim my own nails and when I said yes she said, quite savagely, yeah I can tell
My tweets have been on a steady decline ever since 2020. I blame Covid for this decrease in my comedic day to day humor.
*goes to a nice restaurant* *slowly puts teeth into purse as server greets us, never breaking eye contact*
Just because you have a micropenis does not mean you’re required to rev your car engine 18 times upon arrival to your apartment
We love a good gas station bathroom that claims cleanliness is their priority, as a dead spider falls out of the tp dispenser onto the suspiciously crusty yellow-tinted floor
Today I spent five mins on the GED website before realizing I’m trying to study for the GRE, which is similar but also very different. Okay Siri I get it I need to go back to school
I don’t charge my husbands card but I did make him get this game on his phone too so I can play it on mine and his 😂
🤯🤯🤯 I made a boo boo.... For months I've been addicted to this home design game and I've been purchasing diamonds so I could play more. Well I thought I was charging it to my card..... I wasn't.... This whole time it was charging my fiancés card. For months. 😬😬
Why do sharks get an entire week dedicated to them? It seems really discriminatory towards dolphins
For the longest time I thought gaslighting was just when your gas light turns to E and I was like why is this such a bad thing this happens to me on a frequent basis but I manage to make it to a pump with a single mile left in the tank but now I’m like oh yeah yikes 😕
Random stranger: What does your tattoo say? Me: Be still. But it’s hard to read a lot of people think it says bestie. Stranger: Oh. I thought it said kill.
I just tried to insert my debit card into my gas pump hole thing so yeah I guess it’s been a long day
The first thing I say before realizing the medical assistant is a regular customer at my job: “I get to pee in a cup right? Because I’ve been holding it for a WHILE”
Someone thought I was my 18 yr old coworkers mother today so I guess 2020 really did a number on me
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