Lance Darius
@LanceDarius
Cynical, but not bitter. Stoic, but not spiritless. Unethical, but I make no bones about it. A good lay, but not the committing type. Misanthrope. Hard boiled.
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"You don't do Facebook, Instagram or pinterest. Why do you tweet?" she asked. I said, "It gives me a reason to pull out my phone and pretend to do something with it. That way I can easily ignore people."
So, I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. He smells like baby powder! Really. Seriously? I think i need to lea.
Judge learns from a paternity test that his kids aren't his after 40 years. This is why paternity tests should be mandatory.
"Who could blow the blues the way they really were? Nobody could. that’s it. Nobody could or ever did." - Bukowski
"Robbie, tell me," I said. " Am I fucked up?" He took a long swig of his drink. It was gin. Nasty, as far as I'm concerned. "You'll have to pay me a shrink's fee first," he said. Then I knew. We're all lost. No hope of redemption.
So I guess the question is, who was on the Titanic submersible that someone would want to kill? Not that I'm a conspiracy theorist or anything ...
It is said at a certain age, every man has the face he deserves. You’re going to earn it either way…you should live a certain way.
She came in looking pretty rough. No make up. Hair pulled back in a bun, which she knows I hate. "Rough weekend?" I ask. "You've no idea boss," she says walking over to my cabinet and pouring some vodka. "Want a Bloody Mary?" It was 9:12 am. "No thanks," I said. "I've had mine."
Congress should either be allowed to own stocks via “blind” trusts or only own index funds. In the case of blind trusts, they will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law if they tip off their trustee. This will remove conflict of interests
I just noticed that my jar of Hellman's "Real" Mayonnaise says "Made from a bioengineered source" on it. Wtf? They fucked up my mayo now? Why? It was fine the way it was. I threw it away.
Once you've been around the block a few times, you learn that vague promises from girls in bars, and on Twitter, are not to be trusted.
"I'll tell you my secret," she whispered. "Just give me 10% of your profit." "Mistake," I said. "I'll sell your secret to 100 others and make more than you. But send me your 1099s so I can be sure your secret works." She ghosted me... Why? Am I mean?
When you've been around the block enough times, you learn that vague promises from hot girls in bars, and on Twitter, aren't to be trusted.
Banks are like women. They only love you when you have money.
"How'd you spend Juneteenth LD?" she asked. "Drunk in a bar watching 'Roots' all afternoon," I said. "How else?"
A tailored sport coat & baggy internet-ordered khaki pants. Well, it's a look, I guess.
People love real estate. But unless it's income-producing real estate, it's like throwing money in toilet. The "American Dream" of home ownership is a scam. Always has been.
Never forget: Most people don't know what the hell they're doing. They like to think they do, but most people are just flying by the seat of their pants. Remembering this helps you not to take people too seriously.
"You're drinking this early?" he asked. "It's cheaper than seeing a shrink," I said. He nodded, said, "I'll have one too."
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