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Conspiracy theory: Twitter is actually a fortune cookie company and we are all slave labor.
Good news about going to hell: You'll be surrounded by friends. Bad news: They are Facebook friends.
Hey, people with no regrets: Not buyin it.
If you include backtracking on my original exercise plan, I got quite a workout today.
If I could go back in time to give advice to my teenage self, I would say, "don't worry, someday you will have the power of time travel."
The most dangerous thing about kids on boogie boards is that they might grow up to be adults on boogie boards.
If you are a pull-mask-down-to-chin-after-arriving person you really shouldn’t scrutinize the no mask people.
My wife’s social distancing skills are very sharp. She’s been practicing on me for years.
Sorry, can’t take a knee for the star spangled banner bc I pledged allegiance to it at the start of every school day. A pledge is a pledge.
Due to the unpopular connection to the artists formerly known as Dixie Chicks, new baby birds will now be known as “chirps.” Please make a note of it.
Maybe we can do a little less reading INTO things and a little more reading things?
In these unprecedented times, emails starting with “in these unprecedented times” are not unprecedented.
If we do a little less hand wringing and a little more hand washing I think it’ll all work out.
After the quarantine I will resume my usual activities which include making up excuses for missing your activities.
I’m happy as a clam: closed up, salty, in darkness, barely moving. As I said, very happy.
I’m so good at being Jack of All Trades... have to say I’ve mastered it.
One of the first things you must learn as an uber driver is how to hide your trash.
Let’s hope the we-make-sensors-to-steer-your-car people don’t confer with the we-make-sensors-to-dispense-paper-towels people.
R2D3: Life is so unfair. I was *this* close to getting cast in that movie. BB-9: Tell me about it. Can we get another round over here?
Climate change is nothing new. Yes, we've seen some crazy weather. But there was a "Little Ice Age" in 1645 and it was "Raining Men" back in 1982.
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