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Came home from a tough day at work & bf had completely cleaned and rearranged our whole entire house 🥹
hey sorry i can’t make it tonight i’m hanging out disrespectfully with women in unstable places from my wild recent past
Been off nicotine gum a full month & done with the dreadful elf bar even longer. One of the wonderful things about a highly physical job is you can’t fuck around with your health 🥲.
Yesterday we were doing laundry & Ryan was like “I want a beer but it’s 2pm, that’s not really DILF shit.” I see we have a new scale for decisions in our house
Can you even imagine the terror of being a teenager in 2023? Thinking about the first mom who was like “my daughter just told me she can’t go to school because we have to handle her sebaceous filaments.”
Update: mom’s box of meds by the day opened in her purse and instead of re-sorting them, she has placed them all together in little bowl like a fruit salad 🫠🎰
Mom has landed. She is wearing ugg boots and a faux fur coat. Flight attendants reportedly asked if she wasn’t supposed to be “going to Hollywood.”
I miss funny/messy 2010s era social media. When was the last time you posted a cryptic song online?
Mostly sober the last 6 months but took a dose of cold meds today with a body load like mdma and it’s hilarious. Getting goosebumps at old Britney Spears vids 💀
Mom asked where we can get tattoos while she’s here like we don’t already have a matching one. What is about to happen
Holy shit we’re moving further off grid into a fucking tree house
Lmao my dad only sends me $20 for Valentine’s Day if I’m single *or* in a relationship with an asshole. No $20 today, vibe looking good.
Uh oh you guys I think I might be on the verge of like…becoming a closet biohacker 😫
Mom is coming in 2 weeks, boyfriend has no idea what he is in for
Went to Whole Foods last night to find out what’s up with A2 milk. How did I just find out there’s a whole other type of cow milk?
Idk who is responsible for balayage on boys but it looks damn good
Is there anything more heinous than accidentally liking tweets
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