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Downloading #iOS7 is taking as long as my last delivery #thestruggle
#YouDontKnowWhatStruggleIsIf you've never breastfed 8 teething babies
#ImSingleBecause looking like @AmandaBynes isn't such a good thing right now.
I'm the one and only Octomom. Kate Gosselin is just a wannabe #SomethingISayAlot
Fantasize about how high your sperm count is #ThingsIdoWheniLikeYou
Tell the kids to clear the playroom then set up my dance pole #ThingsIdoWheniLikeYou
My motherly advice: don't bother packing a hoodie when you go to Florida.
Did anyone else think #supermoon would involve @KimKardashian showing off her post-pregnancy butt?
Don't freeze all your eggs in one human egg bank #ThingsIWillTeachMyChild
Whether you plan to have one child or 14, it's wise to start an education savings account early #ThingsIWillTeachMyChild
4. I taught Teen Mom how to pole dance 3. Kate Gosselin is my BFF 2. I own a life-size inflatable Brad Pitt doll #Fake10FactsAboutMe
7. I get skincare tips from Tan Mom 6. I have Angelina's old breasts 5. I eat calamari everyday #Fake10FactsAboutMe
10. I'm really Amanda Bynes 9. I have a VIP card at a sperm bank. 8. I'm into tentacle porn #Fake10FactsAboutMe
I thought #NoHitter was trending because @ChrisBrown was dating again. Oops! The correct hashtag would be #NoHitHer.
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