One Viners
@OneViners
Simple jokes for simple folk.
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My mate bet with me that I’d never eat at a barbecque with Matthew Corbett – I said, that’s a Sweep-Stake!
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up!”
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said,"I don't care what star sign it is"
So I said to a Scottsman 'did you have terrible spots as a kid?' He said 'ac ne'
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...
So I met a gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Weggie Kray
I threw some snow at my girlfriend; she didn’t catch my drift
Last night I dreamt I was the author of Lord of the Rings. I was Tolkien in my sleep.
So I said to my Mum I’m going to the funfair. She said Oooooh will you go on the Ghost train? I said No, I’ll walk
When I left home, my mum said ‘Don’t forget to write’ I thought ‘That’s unlikely; it’s a basic skill, isn’t it?’
Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?
This bloke said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of your trouser leg and put it in a library’ I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books’
I’ve got a front door made from sponge; don’t knock it.
Beware of Alphabet Grenades; if you throw them, it could spell disaster
I was taking the motorway out of London. A policeman pulled me over and said ‘Put it back’
I had a dream last night. This voice said, "On your marks, get set, go!" and I woke up with a start.
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