OneViners's profile picture. Simple jokes for simple folk.

One Viners

@OneViners

Simple jokes for simple folk.

My mate bet with me that I’d never eat at a barbecque with Matthew Corbett – I said, that’s a Sweep-Stake!


"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'


I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up!”


I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said,"I don't care what star sign it is"


So I said to a Scottsman 'did you have terrible spots as a kid?' He said 'ac ne'


I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...


So I met a gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Weggie Kray


I threw some snow at my girlfriend; she didn’t catch my drift


Last night I dreamt I was the author of Lord of the Rings. I was Tolkien in my sleep.


So I said to my Mum I’m going to the funfair. She said Oooooh will you go on the Ghost train? I said No, I’ll walk


When I left home, my mum said ‘Don’t forget to write’ I thought ‘That’s unlikely; it’s a basic skill, isn’t it?’


One Viners reposted

Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?


This bloke said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of your trouser leg and put it in a library’ I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books’


I’ve got a front door made from sponge; don’t knock it.


Beware of Alphabet Grenades; if you throw them, it could spell disaster


I was taking the motorway out of London. A policeman pulled me over and said ‘Put it back’


I had a dream last night. This voice said, "On your marks, get set, go!" and I woke up with a start.


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