PhilMacCracken's profile picture. I'm not fat. I'm just big dicked.

Phil MacCracken

@PhilMacCracken

I'm not fat. I'm just big dicked.

I got my tail clipped today.


Phil MacCracken reposted

As a nation, let's call a spade a spade and make it official by changing the symbol from a bald eagle to Type 2 Diabetes.


Phil MacCracken reposted

You're not truly living unless you need to keep spare underwear in your pocket.


Phil MacCracken reposted

There's just something sexy about the way my gynecologist says, "You need a PROCK-TAH-LOW-JIST... put those forceps down... GET OUT! NURSE!"


My personal motto is fuck it.


Can you burn the hair off your ass?


Tie Me Up Time Me Down is a great first date movie.


I went to band camp when I was in high school and I never got laid.


I have an online dating profile that even my wife is interested in.


Amazon has the worst porn selection ever.


Remember when Judas Priest backwards was exciting?


Most of the time I make no sense.


Phil MacCracken reposted

If you are female, please stop talking about "Love Actually" this time of year.


This bathroom attendant means this restaurant is really upscale or there's a pervy guy that won't quit talking to me while I shit.


"Speed dating sounds like fun." - no one ever


Phil MacCracken reposted

Yes, Nero played the fiddle while Rome burned but that was only because Facebook wasn't invented yet.


Phil MacCracken reposted

I've never understood the term "braining someone" as it refers to hitting them in the head. Wouldn't be "de-braining someone"?


Getting caught masturbating is my worst nightmare.


Waffle House is my Dante's Inferno.


Deaf people without a speech impediment aren't fooling anyone.


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