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Surreptitiously planting Romaine lettuce butt ends in my neighbor's flowerpots. Salad days motherfucker, I whisper.
Spending the morning wondering if my life would have turned out differently if I had been taken for regular dental check-ups as a child.
I fear you’re mistaking my good posture for interest.
A majority of Americans should never be expected to quietly and complacently accept a political minority ruthlessly enforcing their extremist agenda on our backs.
My dog just sighed heavily as if he were wondering where his life went wrong, lamenting his lost opportunities, and pondering his own mortality. Or maybe I'm projecting I dunno
Today's Tarot Card: I am so booing you behind your back.
Thanksgiving isn’t complete until one of your family members lunges across the table.
the lonely piñata, dangling from a tree by a simple piece of twine, reaches a feeling of euphoria as a toddler approaches him with blind rage in his heart & a towel rod in his hand
When in doubt, make coleslaw. Lots and lots of coleslaw. Enough to wash away all doubts for all of eternity. So long doubts, hello coleslaw.
*makes a run for international waters for no reason*
It's a perfect night to sit by your favorite plant & remember that the earth was better without us.
I get it, birds. You’re happy. Pipe down. I’m trying to read.
If you give a man a fish, he might freak out. No one is ready for a surprise fish
I’m here if you need me but make sure you exhaust every other possibility first
United States Trends
- 1. Don Lemon N/A
- 2. Djokovic N/A
- 3. Kevin Warsh N/A
- 4. Sinner N/A
- 5. #AusOpen N/A
- 6. $WAR N/A
- 7. Former CNN N/A
- 8. Good Friday N/A
- 9. Abbe Lowell N/A
- 10. #FanCashDropPromotion N/A
- 11. #FridayVibes N/A
- 12. Georgia Fort N/A
- 13. #MariaCorinaEsLaNada N/A
- 14. #FursuitFriday N/A
- 15. Fed Chair N/A
- 16. Grammy Awards N/A
- 17. Nole N/A
- 18. Carmichael N/A
- 19. Happy Friyay N/A
- 20. Central Casting N/A
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