I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. George Carlin
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. George Carlin
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. George Carlin
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. George Carlin
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. George Carlin
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. George Carlin
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. George Carlin
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. George Carlin
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? George Carlin
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. George Carlin
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin
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