Play the new #Sweepstakes from @getcrackin for a weekly shot at $1,000 or daily prizes. Play now: wndrful.co/CrackTheEndZon…
Floyd Mayweather is now 48-0. But if you include the women he’s knocked out, his record is now... *fetches calculator"
Saw @JimNorton at Syracuse Funny Bone last night...I laughed so hard I have lock jaw this morning...hilarious!
We all understand that our parents have sex, but you never want to picture them fingering each other's asses.
It bothers me when I ask for a straw and the waiter acts like its such a burden, this ranch dressing ain't going to drink its self garçon!!
“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, Nothing is going to get better. It's not.”
I hate figuring out the cheese has wax paper between every slice on the last slice
Do I ever wish I could be a baby; sleep most of the day, shit my pants a few times, and suck on a titty....what a life!!!!
I would love to run 5 miles daily, but eating ice cream is wayyy easier!
People say drugs are bad, but I'm calling complete BS on that. I've only been on meth for 20 minutes and I'm already the king of Jupiter!
If anyone ever texts me,"who is this?" I always respond with,"Jake from State Farm."
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