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Start giving yourself the love you’ve wasted on undeserving people.
Favorite family tradition? Teaching the younger generations to go MUAHAHAHAHAH as toddlers. Nothing funnier than an army of the diaper-clad-just-getting-their-land-legs lurching around making spooky noises.
[being dragged away from brunch] PANCKAES ARE JUST FLAT WAFFLES [taser noises]
If you shout ONE TWO 1234 before your song starts that mother better rock
Jaime Pressly starring in, "The Life of Margot Robbie"
You’re always the villain in someone’s story. ~ Me to my cat, while saving several Mediterranean House Geckos from him.
Fool me once, shame on you Fool me twice shame on me Fool me a third time hey this is a pretty good scam can i get in on this
I have two sick squirrels. The first one has some kind of mange (I forgot the name) that's finally his second dose of medicine. The right one had some kind of head injury that was so severe his eyes were nearly swollen shut. You can still see the scar, but they're getting better
here's what I would look like if I was wearing a suit made out of bees
Everyone has owned a tennis racket at some point but has no idea where it came from
Tis the season to hate all the assholes who leave their pets outside in the freezing cold
Please enjoy these ducks changing their minds.
In honor of the winter solstice I also will be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I hate being right about American elections - an off-the-cuff joint. …ofeast-eatingdisordersandrecovery.com/2024/11/09/i-h… via @pahl_brighteyes
Polostan, my new novel, is coming out October 15. It’s the first book in a new series I’m calling Bomb Light. More info to come as we get closer, but for now: harpercollins.com/products/polos… @wmmorrowbooks
I’m always polite and thank Siri and automated texts so I’ll be spared when the robot/AI uprising occurs.
The stages of healing: 1) Becoming suddenly aware of the issue 2) Endlessly analyzing as you process emotions 3) Waking up one day to realize you don’t actually give a shit
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