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Only had enough oil for one dab but stayed high for 8 days #HanukkahMiracle
Thanksgiving tip #3: there must be at least a 1:3 bathroom per person ratio
Thanksgiving tip #1: hit a bowl before the meal for amble feasting
"I need a good stuffing" - whore, whose making stuffing for thanksgiving
"And what's the deal with airline food" - comedian who can't afford a plane ticket
Whenever you're stuck in traffic, just remember... At least you're not stuck in Nebraska
The color of your skin doesnt matter...Except for your chance of being picked first in pickup basketball.. And chance of getting skin cancer
"2 + 2 = you're a whore" - how I broke up with my girlfriend in kindergarten
Taylor Swift is the most innocent prostitute of all time
Everyone is hating on the NSA but I think they're good listeners
Why do late night Comedy Central commercials think I am a old lonely horny guy who can't get an erection without medicine #ItsTrue
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