SmartassChef
@SmartassChef
Beverage enthusiast, raconteur, chef. Culinarily promiscuous. Come for the food. Stay for the snark and smartassery.
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Going through old photos and found some wedding pictures.
*holding gun to head, about to pull trigger* *reads your inspirational tweet* *pulls trigger anyway*
I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "eat right and exercise" scams.
*puts on ski mask* *rappells off roof and into your bedroom window* *gently wakes you up* "Hi, you didn't respond to my text."
For only $250 and a bottle of mid grade bourbon I'll come to your house for dinner and pretend to like the food.
Friend: Are you carrying again? Why are you always carrying? Are you paranoid or something?? Me: I'm not paranoid, I just like to be prepared for whatever emergency I could possibly encounter. I'd much rather have tacos on me and not need them than need tacos and not have them.
*Slowly lowers hotdog over the campfire... CAMPFIRE: I have a boyfriend
Some of you are not measuring garlic with your heart and it shows.
The first rule of Condescension Club is complex, and I don't think you'd understand even if I explained it to you.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable when eating a bucket of extra crispy.
People aren't too bad if you stay away from them and don't go outside.
To all the people who ruined funny Twitter when they all got political.
These gender reveal parties are getting out of hand.
This website doesn't have enough pictures of otters with fake mustaches. We can do better.
Ribbed condoms don't even taste like ribs. 🙄
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