When Biden texts everyone in a couple hours we should all respond “New phone. Who dis?” As, like, a bit.
Zooey Deschanel is marrying a property brother but she doesn’t know which one and at this point she’s too embarrassed to ask.
Evidently “Oppenheimer” and “Barbie” are separate films and not a movie about a children’s toy bringing on near Armageddon. I don’t know why I always get my hopes up.
People who ask a rhetorical question and then follow it up with “The answer is yes and no, let me explain…” should stop doing that.
Degrassi the Next Generation is amazing because one moment it’s a standard Canadian teen drama from the early 2000s and then the next moment international superstar Drake gets shot in a school shooting.
They said “Every time a bell rings and angel gets its wings.” but they never told us they were Buffalo wings. Maybe lemon pepper.
Me: Googles “is Delta 9 safe?” Also me: Has taken Delta 9 every day for the past three months Third me: Doesn’t know how to type the little triangle for “delta”
I’m just saying that if it had been ME alone in a room with that balloon I would have used it to lift my house off the ground to spite some bit shot developers. Then I would have, with the help of a small boy companion, landed it on a cliff, met a talking dog, and fought a pilot.
Opening couplet to a folk-punk song I’m writing. “You’re not the man you used to be. You get up four times a night to pee.” Do we think the Front Bottoms will sing this? Or maybe Modern Baseball?
“Motorcycles” but it’s pronounced like a figure from Greek mythology.
I would give my left nut to be 21 years old again on dollar margarita night at the one Mexican restaurant in my college town with all my old friends again.
Flying sucks but airports are great. They’re like how malls were in 2006. I can get a pretzel and people watch.
The best part of being home is explaining internet bullshit to my normie boomer parents. They now know who Andrew Tate is.
Staccato is the singular of staccati. Can there be one be one spaghetto? Welcome to my TED Talk.
I’m just saying, there are three teams in the World Cup that call it “soccer” and two of them are through the the round of 16. Just saying.
They should skip over Charles and make one of the corgis queen. She should also be president. I won’t be taking any questions at this time.
A student today asked me if I had a job. “Your guess is as good as mine.” would have been funny to say but I didn’t think of it at the time.
United States Trends
- 1. $MSVP N/A
- 2. National Prayer Breakfast N/A
- 3. #NintendoDirect N/A
- 4. Good Thursday N/A
- 5. Todd Howard N/A
- 6. Bomberman N/A
- 7. Kyoto Xanadu N/A
- 8. #PorLaPazYConvivencia N/A
- 9. Rob Dillingham N/A
- 10. Happy Friday Eve N/A
- 11. Orbitals N/A
- 12. Switch 2 N/A
- 13. #SUNGHOONx2026Olympics N/A
- 14. $HIMS N/A
- 15. Leonard Miller N/A
- 16. Ford N/A
- 17. #ThursdayThoughts N/A
- 18. #thursdaymorning N/A
- 19. Tokyo Xanadu N/A
- 20. Fallout 4 N/A
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