Slaydrienne
@TheBlessMess
Pussyocalypse ⚡️ Transvaginal mesh enthusiast ⚡️ Smallpox champion
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you guys wanna see a party trick? [overdoses in the bathroom]
The only weapon that would stop Matthew McConaughey is a t-shirt gun.
Someone design a first person video game where you drive safely and never shoot anyone and get extra points for voting in a local election
Parents, don't forget to update your sex talk to include Netflix and chill.
A YouTube star, a blogger, and an Instagram celebrity walk into a bar. Literally no one gives a shit.
Outlook meeting requests needs a “I’d rather swan dive off an overpass into oncoming traffic but I’ll be there” option.
[Delicatessen] *a woman at another table chokes on her meal, and dies* Me: I'll have what she's having.
Sext: I find you less gross than most other people hi
How cool are you, on a scale of 1 to teacher sitting backwards on a chair?
Now that I'm older, I wish my friends would peer pressure me into saving for retirement.
Sometimes I worry I've smoked so much weed, that I've forgotten something cool. Like knowing karate. I've Jason Bourned myself.
Reworking my resume into emojis to remain relevant in today's competitive job market
I accidentally touched my dog's butthole yesterday and it kinda feels like when I accidentally hit "accept" on an incoming phone call.
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