Swollen
@TheSwollenGamer
Chief Meteorologist and Professional Panty Droppa
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I don't like sand
John Peter Bain July 8, 1984 - May 24, 2018
Oh good, I almost forgot that John was a man of focus, commitment, sheer will... I once saw him kill three men in a bar... with a pencil, with a fucking pencil. Good thing this reminded me of that. Thanks John.
Spotted a robin hanging out around my car. We discovered it was violently pecking and attempting to infiltrate my sunroof for 30 minutes. So I put on my big boy boots and chased it off like a wild animal. I didn't realize 1 bird was capable of shitting this much.
I'm glad the Avengers had a happy ending. Really wrapped it in a neat little bow.
For the first time in history, a horse that's only TWO years old won the Kentucky Derby. You know what I was doing when I was two years old? Being terrible and shitting the bed. Not quite as accomplished, but a close second.
Save yourself the trouble and don't go to a popular wing place tonight
Hand over the keys. Daddy Google is the captain now.
Buy a Pixel 2 and get two months of YouTube TV, plus a Google Home Mini and Chromecast for free. Offer ends 5/30/18.
Day 1 of sun's out guns out and I pulled an Icarus. Shoulders are beet red baby.
C130 above
Homie you ain't slick lol Dude broke into my truck (and neighbor's cars) last night. Have a solid look at his face PLUS him and his accomplice's car GG
I can finally boot up the ps4 my mom got me in 2016
Hide your sheep. Your favorite purple dragon makes his fiery return on September 21,2018 with the Spyro Reignited Trilogy for PlayStation 4 and Xbox One. #UnleashTheDragon
This is why Twitter increased their character limit
Crazy Joe Biden is trying to act like a tough guy. Actually, he is weak, both mentally and physically, and yet he threatens me, for the second time, with physical assault. He doesn’t know me, but he would go down fast and hard, crying all the way. Don’t threaten people Joe!
“Please get a job” my mom desperately cries from outside my room as I strategically photoshop an image of something I like on the Krusty Krab, and something I dislike on the Chum Bucket. She’s completely oblivious to the amount of retweets I’ll be compensated for this masterpiece
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