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If someone gifts me any amount of A5 waygu beef, I'll stop posting.
My first viral tweet was a stolen joke. All the comments are so mad.
Every rich person has a tiny dog that looks exactly like a monopoly player piece
Fun fact: Male honeybees die shortly after sex. It's 3 stages of life are literally 1. Honey 2. Nut 3. Cheerio
7/8ths of the time i believe in god But sometimes I'm an eighth-eist
My idea of being able to afford a home renovation is playing The Sims.
Do people not realize when they complain about having to pay to see a comedy show it’s kind of insulting to the comics? These jokes aren’t free bitch
I had sex on the beach once, so I totally get where Anakin was coming from.
It’s so easy to order $50 worth of Taco Bell when you’re also buying weed.
UPDATE: Saw fast 9 and ordered that lady a few self help books on Amazon. Then I took the wallet to the police station.
This lady dropped her wallet in the parking lot after my show today. I tried to give it back and she doesn't even look at me and says "Ew, get lost." Guess who went on a shopping spree?
Fast and the Furious needs to go back to it's routes
Wonder If I can use the carpool lane if I have my sex robot with me
Busting a nut in her is called incum. But pulling out is always the better outcum.
Gonna make my account private. Been getting way too many retweets. Annoying 🙄🙄
I didn't go to college. I wasn't gonna pay to get lectured. I had lectures at home. So mom, you understand now?
Woman be like "All the men I've been with are liars." Well maybe Just maybe If you had a fat ass, we wouldn't be able to.
I dangle my foot off the edge of the bed on purpose. It's bait. Come get me demons, I'm already in hell.
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