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My three favorite things are fucking my dog and not using commas.
Help me travel to Finland to meet my girlfriend for the very first time: gofundme.com/myheartisinfin…
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Jesus: *doing crossword* I’m stuck on 2 across.
Please I'm old enough to be your friends youngish, hip cool sexy very attractive father
Every time my boyfriend says 'make me a sandwich', I put pillows on both sides of his head and say 'there, you're a pillow sandwich'. Then he beats me until I make him an actual sandwich.
This is just a friendly reminder that peanuts kill more people than marijuana.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness. Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I live with people who speak incessantly for the sheer pleasure of hearing their own voices. This is my suicide note.
Please rephrase your question in the form of shutting the fuck up.
If the govt cared about our lives they’d make McDonald’s check ID and run a body fat index background check.
I truly miss the banter between @AnthonyCumiaxyz and Patrice O’Neal. I’ve been listening to those old Sirius XM O&A shows every day this year. The nostalgia is real!!
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