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Starchildren: anyone else fall asleep Friday and completely skip Saturday as the universe intended? It was written in by the planets so I complied. Today is not a time for rest, it is a time for fun. Fun it up fore tomorrow is Monday. Ew. Lucky Numbers: [laughs in seth rogen]
Taurus: today you will forget many important things you are supposed to do. You will suddenly remember to do them but the job will done subpar. This may or may not be an example. Stay woke Lucky Numbers: 8-19-28-37-45
Leo: not today friends. Turn around. Call it a day. Sleep. Sleep as much as you can. Tomorrow is the weekend. You just have to make it to the weekend. You deserve the weekend. Lucky Numbers: were you not listening?
Beware Starchildren, time is slowing down. You may not realize it but this week today is only Wednesday. The planets are aligning to cause some real serious shit by Friday. It’s recommended to resupply all of your alcohol stores. This is not a drill. Lucky Numbers: 6-13-20-50-99
It’s Tuesday Ares’ so the time for belly aching has passed. Today is a good day to grab life by the balls but do it from your couch because going out is definitely a BAD idea. The planets say it’s a good time to order a premium package, Starz maybe. Lucky numbers: 2-4-9-15-17
Scorpio, the sun is behind the clouds or something and your child has clogged the toilet. These are not metaphors but in fact real problems. Pick the one you can fix and do it. Your life depends on it. Lucky numbers: 7-12-27-37-62
Capricorn: whatever you’re working on at this time can be expedited with the use of an ax. Just chopping up everything is the way to go. Stay away from the boys, they all unemployed at this time. Lucky numbers: 3-6-65-72-86
Today's energies are particularly bright for trafficking drugs from Columbia, dear Libra. Problems may arise near the border and make for exciting, and fun conversations. The Moon causes high fives. Fear not, Saturday nights alright for fighting. Lucky numbers: 2-7-19-85-cake
Gemini: your boss is going to need you to go ahead and come in on Saturday but you aren’t going to want to. The copier will always give you trouble and the best place for it is broken in a field. Did you take my stapler? Lucky numbers: 6-7-8-9-64
Sagittarius: today you will find yourself going from the house of the rising sun to your own home which has become the hotel California for all of us. Your love life will not take a hit because you don’t have one, James. Lucky numbers: 4-10-27-77-86
Taurus: today is the day. She’s gotten away with it long enough, don’t you think? Remember, When the night has come and the land is dark and the moon is the only light we see, you won’t be afraid, no. Just as long as Carole stands six feet away. Lucky Numbers: 9-26-43-72-81
Nobody will know what today is. Some will think it’s a Monday, it’s probably not a Monday. If you know what today is you’re a witch. That’s what the stars say, a damn witch doing witchy things. Lucky numbers: 9-13-17-23-34
Sagittarius: today is Monday therefore you will feel uncertain and in need of guidance. You will suddenly remember that you are no longer in school however and deal with it your damn self. Charles don’t need no daddy. Lucky Numbers: 3-23-32-47-69, nice
Star Children: today there will be many hidden items. You will want to search for them but do not! Stay in your home where it’s safe and there’s booze. The little ones can deal with your searches. As a treat. Happy Easter. Lucky Numbers: 5-14-27-59-66-74
Scorpio: tonight’s moon will be in a Barry Gibb and therefore stayin’ alive should be your top priority. You may suffer from a Saturday night fever but remember, this too shall pass. Lucky numbers: 1,069-1,098-3,160-4,310-9,999
Aries: today will be a long one, consisting of 24 individual segments called “hours.” For at least 13 of those segments you will find yourself tested from every direction but, in the end, you will go to sleep. Don’t forget to drink something. Lucky numbers: 4-8-15-16-23-42
Attention Cancers: today something will happen to someone somewhere, could be bad or even good, it’s up to you to decide. Probably a love interest will appear or possibly your mother Lucky numbers: 2-4-6-8 who do we appreciate and 92
Tonight look skyward for the moon will be waxing it’s butthole and waning about the bills. Your lucky numbers are 3-13-27-32-64
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