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What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money
Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse.
I can totally keep secrets. It's those fuckers I tell them to that can't.
If you can go to the gym without telling people on the Internet, you are instantly hired by the CIA
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
My internet is so slow, it's faster to drive to the fucking Google headquarters and ask them shit in person
I’ve spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer, but no-one will do it.
My wife told me sex is better on holiday… that wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.
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Kanye is the type to get pulled over and let the cop go with a warning
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