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Dear twitter, Is it wrong to pee in my roommate's bed bc he was hogging the bathroom??
This guy's trying to make my sister poop!! #bobsburgers #loveit
Relevant graffiti @patrickkiesner @MikeEatsCrayons @craigsistential @weganmalsh @tiim_b
Does your kid have a delicious chocolate coating?? Didn't think so
Um excuse YOU but my doughnuts are just as important as your kid!
Can I use this doctor's note to get out of my social obligations?
sign #325 that ur having a bad day: u have a battle wound from karate-chopping a soap dispenser
holy shit. i just finished college. rly thought i might die before that ever happened but im pretty sure im alive rn?
*aggressively farts on guy invading personal space on subway*
I don't like to complain on first dates. I like to save that as a fun surprise for the rest of the relationship.
Um...I'm not Julia. And we were not in HRIM together #awkward
“@CommonWhiteGrl: exercise? more like extra fries” = New catchphrase
From now on, when ppl ask what I do I'm gonna say I'm a Pizza Princess
I finally realized I'm my own soul mate and I’m ready to marry myself.
Wonder if I will ever wake up and think, that was great, but I don't need any more sleep today
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