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“Living well is the best revenge.” Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a second bottle of worcestershire sauce?
Ice cream isn't meant to be eaten in public; it's meant to be eaten at home, in your PJs while crying.
I just found $5 in the dryer, if anyone is looking for an experienced money launderer.
I really want a family sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
What іdіot called іt “parmesan cheese” and not Spaghettі Confettі?
can’t tell if my exhaustion is from the heat or living through a constant barrage of historic events for the past 7 years
You always see backed by science you never see backed by the bible
Absolutely lethargic from daylight savings, I can barely drag an email from the inbox to trash.
If you're going to eat three cookies you might as well eat six or eight.
Delayed in a busy airport and my kid is playing with kids from 4 different continents and the parents are like isn’t this fun and I’m like uh huh so fun but inside I’m 99% sure we’re living the plot of the next outbreak movie
(reading) there are 8 billion people in the world my brain: there are 16 billion buttcheeks in the world
Daylight savings santa didn’t eat the huge plate of sirloin beef I left out for him.
Twas the night before Daylight Savings and all through the house, Folks were asking, didn’t we ban this shit last year?
the clock in my car is about to be correct again.
I stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 3:00 am because you know, time travel
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