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Even after we touched peens, I still didn't feel as close to my uncle as I thought
Not to justify it any more than necessary, but if nature didn't intend for me to jerk my dick raw, evolution would've given me T-Rex arms
"Are we allowed you weigh whatever we want on the produce scale in isle three?" "Sir... what do you have in the bag?" "...stuff"
If I had a nickel for every time someone questioned my sexuality, I'd finally have enough money to buy that adorable vest at H&M.
"Your boyfriend gave you the D? Why not an A?" - Asian Dad
For the longest time I thought Deadliest Catch was a PSA on Gonorrhea.
I only took up weight lifting so the calluses on my hands would ensure that no one ever asks me to hold their baby.
Asking a girl to come over and watch Coronation Street is a good way to spend a night alone.
Saw a bathroom stall note, "For a good time call ____." I called it. It was a minigolf course. I had a great time. :)
"Bacon's really tasty - you're fucked buddy." - Original Charlotte's Web manuscript
I applied to an organic bakery. My cover letter consisted of the lyrics to Purple Haze and a recipe for cornbread. I'm the manager now.
"I OBJECT!" "To what, Mr. Brown? The defendant hasn't arrived yet" "Sorry, it got really quiet in here and I panicked."
"Target apologizes for selling plus-sized women's dresses in 'manatee grey'."
For the record, I've read through the entire portion of the bible regarding the dos and donts of fucking. Nowhere does it say no buttstuff.
Everything is funnier with a drink in your mouth, or when you're at an abstinence seminar.
I'm not saying I'm cheap, but anywhere I take a girl for dinner is gonna have a drive-thru
Sitting cross-legged in an IKEA display chair just so I can spin around and greet customers with an "I've been expecting you."
I was amazed to find out that real life sex doesn't have buffering
If my gf has a really huge clit, like 2 inches, is it gay if I suck it like it's a dick? Also, what do I do with her balls during this?
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